EXPERT BACK TO SCHOOL TIPS from our CHILD & FAMILY THERAPISTS
(Here is a downloadable pdf): Back to School expert advice
It’s that time of year where a lot of parents are feeling nervous about the back to school transition…..especially if there were some challenges in the last year. It can be helpful to have a proactive conversation with children about things in their lives that are stressful. This is what we do at Crossroads with the Collaborative Problem Solving approach.
The first step is always to encourage the child to share their perspective with an open-ended question. Something along the lines of:
“I noticed getting up for school was getting harder and harder at the end of last year, can you tell me a little more about that?”
Be as specific as possible and not focused on the behavior. For example, we wouldn’t want to say “You were whining every morning before school last year and making us all late”. This would certainly be frustrating for caregivers, but this type of statement would make the child more likely to shut down. Some kids don’t have the language for this yet and may need support to share their thoughts. You can help by giving them some ideas and seeing if they latch on to anything.
“Was it the teacher? Is the classroom noisy? Did you find it hard to be away from daddy?”
If your child is able to give you an answer, no matter what the answer is, your job is to empathize with them. This is not the time to lecture or try to correct/change their perspective. This encourages children to share their thoughts with you without being afraid of consequences…which is exactly what you need to be able to solve the problem. This can look like
“Thank you so much for telling me, I understand it would be hard to be away from me, I miss being away from you as well”.
Once you have been able to identify the child’s concern (there may be a few but try to address one at a time) then you present your concern in a neutral way.
“I know that it’s hard to be away from home. “My concern is that (impact on health, safety, learning, impact of behaviors on others) if you are late for school or miss school, you will miss out on really important learning. I also want you to feel safe at school and to enjoy going. Can you think of a way where you won’t miss me as much and won’t be as sad and you don’t miss out on important learning? We can talk about some possible solutions that we can try together”
Now you’re ready to explore the solutions! You may have to return to this conversation if the solutions don’t work out and that’s okay. This type of conversation with your child builds connections, develops important skills, and solves the problems that keep coming up. The following are solutions, to various concerns children have shared about school, that have come out of conversations with families working with our Child and Family Therapists.
“I miss you too much”
- Some kids do well with memorabilia from home, like a picture or a special object. It’s important to talk to the school about this as they may have rules about what you can bring in.
- Sometimes you can make a plan for tolerating being away from parents. For instance, a child may first seek out their dedicated adult, then use the planned coping strategies and then if those don’t work, they could call their caregiver. Children who feel anxious can learn to tolerate the stressful feelings but with support and scaffolding.
“I just get big butterflies in my tummy”
- Some children who have anxiety still need to “check in” with an adult to make sure things are okay. It can help to have a planned go to person at school who can take on that role. This would plan proactively and collaboratively with the school.
“The works is too hard, I don’t understand”
- It may be time to look at an IEP or classroom accommodations. It can be helpful to share with the school what specific challenges your child might be having academically or socially to collaborate on possible solutions.
- The Collaborative Problem Solving approach is also highly effective in collaborating with schools. They may have their own perspective on what they can do or not do in a classroom setting, but at the end the day, everyone wants the children to do well.
“I always get in trouble at recess”
- Many children find “recess time” or unstructured time very stressful. They may not know what to do or how to act in those times. You can help by creating a social story about what happens at recess and possibly role play some scenarios like joining in to a friend group.
“I just don’t know, it’s just too much”
Some children may not yet be able to be specific about what is stressful so you can try some of the following strategies.
- You can break the school day down into segments that you can explore. This can include morning routine, transition from school to home, class time, snack time, lunch time, transition home. There may be different problems to be solved at each segment.
- These children may benefit from learning and practicing some new coping strategies. Understanding body cues, practicing calming breaths, asking for help, using physical activity to offload stress…..these are all coping tools that kids can access when things are hard.
- It might be helpful to explore the routines at home to set up your child for success. With adult work pressure and the high pace of the morning rush, having a plan to support anxious children may make a huge difference. It may require a caregiver to slow down and give extra reassurance and time to support that challenging transition.
What if you feel like you tried it all and things aren’t getting better? What if any of these potential scenarios seem overwhelming? What if your child is experiencing significant anxiety to the point of not attending school at all? We are here to help! Our qualified treatment staff can support you through this process. You can start by booking a single session to speak to one of our counsellors and we can take it from there.
